My Inner Universe

Before I knew it didn't have to be so hard
I tried and tried with great frustration
Inner knowings that way was wrong
Yet desperation drove me

Seduced by others beliefs
Overrode my inner seekings
For I couldn't see past the point at which I sat

Inner constallatious greetings
Gave me hope that one day I could rest
And be comfortable in a place less tried

So for now I sit here quietly,
Listening to the teachings of the wind
And loving by way of the sun
I am forever a student of this Universe
And contentment is what I seek

 

No Hunger

Stolen hunger
For my appetite craves the rawness that surrounds me
Swallowing the beauty of creation
And the masterfulness of life

I dive deep into my satisfaction
Smiling back upon the accomplishments
Of hard work and effort

To try, not for callouses nor strife
But to try, to taste, to savor
I am a queen in my own humble castle
Creating love and laughter and play

I stand here now,
Appeased with what surrounds me
For the beauty I see
Is merely the most perfect reflection of what I've created

 

Never Alone

Just like you were attracted

Many more will just the same

And I will be forever entertained

 

T/Here

I escape to find those moments of solitude
Of fitting in that pocket of silence
Surrounded by the wind
And talk of the trees
There I am free

My blissful paradise
My escapism from the rough edges of the living
Never truly much of anything
Except the love of Light inside
There I am free

To acknowledge the release
To let go of all that pins us down
And to be different than taught
Here I am free

 

We've Held On Long Enough

Humorous humanity
With our many obnoxious ways
Plans and schemes we enjoy
Finding amusement in our cleverest of tricks

What shall we do once our tricks no longer fool
And the laughs have long faded?
Will it still seem so funny?
Will it still hold with fervor?

If within there are tears or rage
Then why do we persist on ignorance
Instead of sanity?

We are the ones toiling
And turning black with haste
We are the ones suffering
And creating suffrage just the same

Struggling to escape it
Yet desperate for another way

They're In There

I fear the thoughts that fill my head;

Me fear sits upon the validity of their truth
On the shame of their exitance
And on the confusion of their origin

 

Young Things

Those sleepy, restless, terrified

Young birds of beautiful feathers

Dance in the amazement of my boredom

 

Addicted

I tried to stay clean
My sobriety tended to be less than advantageous

Addicted to the smells, the scents,
The flavors
Of pieces that seemed more interesting to me

But they want us to be more addicted
More needy and willing
They want our hearts
To match our already stolen souls

We lost our beacons
We lost our wills
We lost completely our way

Now so dependent
Yet there are so many of us
We're simply left to suffer
With no room for us to fill

My sobriety is death
And there's no point trying to stay clean

Bathing In It

Can't resist this temptation to fall
For the feeling is too great
And the desire uncontrollable

Seeking a heart to match mine
Rhythmically and vibrationally
Patterns upon ideas and concepts
No calculation is necessary

All we must do is allow
Let go and fall
No depths too deep
No barriers insurmountable
The last obstacle; The Heart

So fearful and tall are its walls
So vast and steep its obstruction
yet these guardians are tiresome
Of the push and the pull
Of the indecision
That plague an otherwise worthy contender

They will come
And keep coming
So long as you keep inviting them

Masterful as your plan is
To keep your most sacred secure
It is not in the keeping out
As it is in the letting in

 

He Who Art In Heaven

"I don't know what I hate or what I fear more;

a frightened God who doesn't dare,

an angry God who doesn't care,

a stupid God who doesn't see

or a made up God who isn't there."

--Heart Song--

The Play; The Cost (What It's Cost Us)

Playing fools because we simply don't remember the Truth.

He felt like Home, yet there was No Space for Me

A love letter of grief;

This makes me feel like I'm hard to love. That you hated me more than you loved me. That I'm a pest - annoying.
It makes it hard for me to understand where you love me. What do I do? So I can do it always.
I only ever wanted your loving acceptance and felt ashamed when I was any other way with you. It makes me want to be perfect, so as to not turn you against me. I didn't want you to shut me out or worse push me out, because then I would be alone. I was already scared and felt like I was alone anyways. It's one thing to feel alone while still in your presence and another thing to be literally alone with no understanding of when you'd come back for me. I fear you will forget me. Then I will truly be alone and lost forever... just like the Mother you once said you loved so much.

I'm scared to move back for fear that the space will only ever get bigger.

Mother of Everything

"She thought loving acceptance meant making a place with Herself for everything, whether She loved it or not and blamed Herself for not being more loving."

 

Big Enough For Many

Sitting quietly in this empty space that I've created
Loving, longing in all that it holds
Big enough for many
Yet captive of only one

This solitude stirs uneasiness
While reminded of my desperation for comfort; For home
To share but some
Not many find so appealing
So I sit here, ever so much more the quiet

Searching for fulfillment
I am one of the many
Yet disregard the sheep that coo at my toes
Shaking and stirring, so as to change the view of perception
My eyes, to your eyes, to theirs

Never quite satisfied
With the eyes of a vulture
And the talons of a hawk
Disarmingly arms length from touch
I don't blame the ones that see
Through veils of pretty things, clothed in scary things and tasted less than twice

And yet I sit here
In my empty space
That is big enough for many
Yet captive of only one

Here

I cannot be lost if everyone knows where I am

 

Deep

I once fantasized the tears would bring relief

Nowise

Otherwise non-existent
Here because of all these parts 
That she's collected
To fill in a form
And call her real
Real beautiful

Fury

In search of all that we've lost
For the tears are unstoppable now
And the fury undeniable
No more time for rest

We're coming

On Our Way

We use words to express how we're feeling. To find ways to communicate what feels good or bad. Yet we use words to tare at others; to find their holes and make them gaping. We are monsters, we are destroyers, we are lost little soldiers (trying to find our way home).

 

Earth Spell

"What needs to be understood in this healing is how to go into hatred and turn it back into love by expanding your definition of what love is until all the feelings you have are included and the feeling in them is one of lovingness."

--Earth Spell; The Loss of Consciousness on Earth

 

No Matter

Maybe my voice is too forceful for these uncomfortable words

They're left vibrating in the ears of all those pretending to be somewhere else apart from their bodies

Fragmentation has left us plenty

Competitous, rebellious and scared

We tell ourselves we like this

Freed from our own self-judgments that we need to be other than ourselves

Afraid of the emotions we carry that do not support love

Yet perhaps it is our lack of understanding towards love that leaves us feeling shameful

"For love is not a matter of what you say and do; it is a matter of how it feels when you say and do it."

(quote taken from Earth Spell; Loss Of Consciousness On Earth) 

On The Up

Well, I AM happy-ish.

Relax

Relax. It will come.

 

Knowing

I agree I knew nothing
Now I feel I know too much

 

Stolen

You have stolen my time & energy

And now you have stolen my sadness too

 

Let My Butterfly Wander

I feel this weight on my shoulders. Avoiding seconds, so as to not be left alone with it. Fear swells, with no immediate response to it. I feel left here, alone, the same as when I first started. Yet somehow this time is different. I have learned things that I cannot ever forget. I have accepted things that will only propel me forward, and I have loved things that cannot lose their light.

This experience is not making me stronger, rather it is allowing me to see the strength that I already possess inside.

 

Her Rage

"For a time, She tried to pretend that He was hiding from Her and that it was a game. The more she looked without finding Him, the more fits of rage She had and the more fits of rage She had without any real change in Her situation, the more She feared She was trapped without the power to change it. She had to give in to Her terror to really move things here, but She did not know it and She so feared Her terror that She preferred Her rage."

Excerpt from Original Cause 2

Gratitude

I found gratitude today

 

Being

I am happy to be me

 

 

She is Me

"She had guilt telling Her She must

make a place for everything or She was not 

unconditional loving acceptance."

--Excerpt from Original Cause 1--

Choices

I cannot change the choices you've made

But I can choose the choices I make.

 

Step away, Step towards

When you stand on the cusp of all that you are about to hold and enjoy. Where everything feels possible. Where you release what has stopped working for you, and you look ahead with mesmere and anticipation for all that you are about to allow. That's when life gets good.

When You Love

" When you love all of yourself, the reflection around you will be loving.

When you accept all of yourself, the reflection will be all accepting."

 --Quote from Original Cause 1

Disappearances

She fled on foot
Swallowed up by the darkness
Her wings would be too much of a give away
Perhaps you'll look back with regrets
But at the time, your fear was too large

The loss of what could be
Brought tears to her eyes
For she was willing to fight
And you were the one who let go
Who pushed her so hard away from you

Anger visited her
Grief and confusion came also
None of her visitors made her feel any better
For all she wanted was you and laughter
Those seemed like the furthest from her reach
And so she wished to feel nothing

So sure was she that she was the only one with sadness;
The nothingness that came from you
Left her feeling alone and lost in her wreckage

She cried out in frustration
For all those memories she carried
The ones where you were present and happy
The ones where you were addicted by her presence
Where you confessed your admiration and desires
Did those no longer exist?
Did they ever?
And again you were quiet

So quiet and silent that came forth from you
That she disbelieved any of the validity of it
As if none of it ever existed;
It would seem easier to forget you ever existed

So keep your word
And do not visit her
Leave her in her anger
Because sadness is too hard
She will numb you until she no longer feels anything towards you

You were her drug
But thankfully you have no more to give
You can just disappear now
As if you never were
Because she does not need you ever to be

A Refreshing Thought

Fate is like a strange,

unpopular restaurant with odd little

waiters who bring you things

you never asked for and don't always like!

 

--Lemony Snicket

 

 

We Named Our Relationship

The origin of our attachment
Was lost way long ago
Left behind to play alone
For it was told it did not need to remember

How can I stand here
And not remember from whence I came?
How can I be so foolish
To accept the truth that never grew from me?
How can I be so unlike myself
And forget that I existed long before you?

This slow and steady amalgamation
It overtook us using the mask of love
It overtook us to later tare us apart
It overtook us to prove we never were
What we thought we could be

These two separate useless forms
Now seem so silly without the playfulness of loving bliss
Broken and barren
Left to slowly disintergrate
Left to slowly vanish
Back to nothingness
Back to pain

For pain was us
Each separately
And then together

We came together to give pain a new name
We liked to call him happiness
We liked to dress him up and say he was pretty
We used him to hide ourselves
And he liked the attention
For now there was two of us
And no longer just one

Happiness was the center of our relationship
He made us giggle and squirm and play
When one turned sad,
He flashed a grin
That slid that grief away from us

We punished grief
And forced him to sit in the corner
For there was no room for him 
In our happiness
There was no room for him
In front of us

When anger emerged shortly after
We banished him to sit with grief
For we couldn't hold onto our happiness
With anger ruining all of our fun

The two brothers took no time at all
To whisper about us behind our backs
And to conspire to make us feel
What we had been pushing so hard against
Little did we understand why
The brothers made us feel so uncomfortable
Little did we understand
That our fear was slowly breaking us

We didn't notice that the brothers had left the corner
For we dared not ever look there
So we had no idea it was coming
And did nothing to protect our sacred happiness

It's funny now
How we thought we stood a chance
How we believed we had control

It didn't take much for grief and anger to override our joyous feeling
For we had allowed ourselves to forget
That our happiness was in actuality pain
And that by giving it a new name
By dressing it up
That it could never rewrite his origins
He would always be pain
And thus would eventually no longer play our game

We couldn't even put up much of a fight
It was over before it ever really began
And now we stand one by one
With our happiness renamed as pain
And our pain resting limp and heavy in our arms

 

Never Saw You Clearly

I never saw you clearly
With that haze always so masterfully around you
I never saw you quite so clearly
As if I misplaced glasses that I never wore
I never saw you clearly
Because you never told me you did not wish to be seen

Unseen Role of Denial

Some exerts from a book series I like --- Original Cause; The Unseen Role of Denial

I had consciousness before I had force

The truth never lies, but the truth also does not give what cannot be accepted

The guilt vanished when I accepted Myself for what I really am

Mother experiences, but without Father, she cannot understand what Her experiences mean. She has no way to know without Him and He has no way to know without Her 

I had discovered love by losing it

I had become attached to my own existence

 

Reviewing

To not want to fall to a worser fate
I review what has past
And notice that in my haste 
I let my fiery red flames 
Scorch the attempt of
A new idea

To Not Want To Fall

Out of fear of being tricked
This scared little heart fled
To what was more reliable
But not so much more comfortable

This Side of Things

It's lonely on this side of things

Protection is a cold, cold casing

And no one can love you more than

You love yourself

I'll Grow Away from You

With the passing of another full moons gaze
Pacing feet pound the same trodden path
We're returning to the place we never truly left
Although with each time, we're more and more hopeful

My praying eyes, keep clean from tears
From years of doubt over my own authenticity
Those hurtful disbeliefs
Turned me off from my true inner guide
Confusion rules this clever yet uncertain doe
Your disbelief was contageous

 

Singularity

The beauty of Singularity

is the same beauty of choice

a choice to choose differently

to be differently

to no longer be my pattern of hate

and instead begin a pattern of love

 

Dumped/Trumped

Hopeless, childish, heart of mine
Racing, bleeding, passing time

Flooding, drowning, tempered thoughts
Masking, blending, stomach knots

Wistful, playful, total make believe
Daring, cunning, undermining jestering

Passive, massive, manipulation
In-submissive, blatant, retaliation

Release, deprive, left on ones own
Allow, what's new, a chance to form

Failed

I just want to fail,

So I don't have to worry about failing anymore

 

Nothing For Everything

I was once something

But that something no longer exists

I am now nothing

For nothing is everything

And all I want is to be everything

Here

This is where I am

 

What You Saw I See

It's all in the eyes of your own perception
To view time as your friend or foe
To view time as possible or impossible
To view time as a matter of I'll make it

With your youthful eyes you view me as extra
As incalculable
And as less important

Yet when the rest gets too much
Or time feels too lonely
My space would have been well rewarded

----------------------------
 
I give my peace
For it is not my place to say
What your youthful mind
Will realize one day

That perhaps my release
Was unintentionally for my benefit
And when that lonely day arises
My presence shall be coupled by my equal
And in your youthful ignorance
You in fact gave me the gift
Of being where I shall be in the future
And not where I wanted to be in the past

So, in the eyes of my perception
I look upon you with gratitude
For your closed door with sad eyes
Let me be free to open my new door with greater hope

Two One

From beneath the fingers of that clasped hand
Rests the smile of a thousand smiles
Upon the beauty of a sacred connection

Time gets older
Past the debris of what was once
Hoped to be the beginnings of something magical

Eyes learn knowledge
That the heart once pretended it could fool
Silly, yet wise
That it wished you didn't have to know

For your helpless tears
Flow to an uncontrollable understanding
That two can sometimes
Only make one

And that other times
Two can only be
Separate ones

Ones travelling far and wide
To find a one
To make two
And to mold those two
To make one

I'll be your one
If you'll be my two

I'd Run Back With You

If time could run backwards
I'd be running back to you
To play it forward
Only to run backwards once more
To live in that place where we were both happy
To live in that place where time existed on our side

 

I Said Never

If I was really being aggressive

I would have never let you let me go

It saddens me to see such a beautiful opportunity fall away

 

Insignificant

It's just too easy to feel insignificant

 

 

Differences

I am un-blendable

But I am not unique

Prayers

I pray and send light to all those who cross over

I send love and strong health to all those entering

I send grace and understanding to all those stuck in the inbetween

 

Hand

Holding onto moments

Moments suspended in time

Hidden between the seconds

- pockets of unspoken realities

 

Wordless and Shy

My human impatience

A different reflection

To that of my energetic truth

 

Switch on a Switch

Who knows where that thought originated

From and is it ours, if it's true

Or if it was all a switch on a switch

To make us believe we know best

 

Worse

Sometimes things just need to stay worse

 

Little Liar

May have once worn the mask of friend

Shall never change the fact that beneath it lies

The face of dishonesty

Always the pretty little liar

 

 

I'll See You On The Other Side

I never thought I could write properly about happy
Joy being a hard thing to dissect
I so easily passed it along to sadness or guilt
Pain fed my ego, so I believed it to be where I belonged

You have to try hard at happy
You have to fight off those misdirected unworthy feelings
For they're seeped in never ending pools of selfish untruths

This deeply sullied language of darkness and misdirection
Rings true to the false tellers of the underbelly of fear

Lucky to feel pain, jealousy and lust
For they only make Love, Honesty and Compassion
Stand out that much stronger
To know the duality
And to choose the good

We try and we try
Don't worry; We succeed

 

Smiling

This uneasy feeling I get when I fall for you. These butterflies that don't seem to rest. You manage to take my breath away, to distract me, to make me smile when no one's said anything at all.

And yet I can find no words to tell you. To let you know that my heart is sitting at the bottom of my stomach and that the thought of your touch gives me the goosebumps.

So, we sit here silently, afraid to let the other know how much they excite us.

So, we sit here silently and smile sweet smiles at each other.

So, we sit here silently in our politeness.

Recollection

While fighting off dark feelings of unworthiness

The light recollects truth of understanding

We understand that all we must do is simply remember

 

Truthful Liars

My grasp no longer holds yours
These once intertwined fingers
Now rest lifelessly at our sides
Each lacking the life of love

It was once so easy to play love
We used to tell each other every day
We both played into each others lies
Because believing in that was easier than knowing the truth

We believed our lies so much
That we had no problem proclaiming it to others
Spreading our cheer to all those
That dare not sink to our level
Oh how we thought we had them fooled

In their kindness, they did not call us out
In their kindness, they played along
Yet in their kindness, it did us no good

So here we are now
All out in the open
And no one is surprised
But us

We were such good liars
That we thought we were telling the truth

I forgot It Mattered

I allowed your judgements to justify
Suppressing my true desires
All in hopes to fit in

This desire of acceptance overshadowed
All intentions for higher understanding
For it pushed people into fear;
An uncomfortable place for new friends

What I forgot to remember
Is that part of me is not as good as all of me
Playing pretend loses its appeal
And all I am left with is empty memories
Of half spirited fun

I deliver forgiveness
For all those who do not want to be alone
We are not alone

 

Identity

I once held on for dear life
For I couldn't fathom the thought
To me, losing any was losing all
So I gave all I could
And always forgave first

Now they're all gone
Once feared to feel death
But proper feelings of freedom arose
For I no longer hold them as my identity

 

Take All That's Left

Once my confidant,
my teammate,
My sister

Now my anger,
My resentment,
My dissatisfaction

Together we were a force
Now I look at you as numbing emptiness
No longer my image of beauty
No longer my pillar of strength

Together I thought we built this housing
Now I can see that it was built out of kindling
Disguised as a gentle oak

Our friendship was always destined to go up in flames
I just chose not to believe it
Because the thought of losing you broke my heart
That was then

I don't know who gave you the matches
Or perhaps you had them the whole time
What hurts the most is that you struck the first match
The only one that truly matters

I'll stay here
I'll burn down with the house
Because I want there to be nothing left
Of me for you to claim as yours

I want to be burned
Beneath the ashes
Of our make-believe friendship

You wanted control,
And now you have nothing

 

At The Bottom Of The Sea

My heart sits at the bottom of the sea
Tied to the anchor you threw when you let me go
Not even checking to see if I could breathe
But I could

I come from the ocean
Although I'd feel more comfortable if I wasn't
Tethered to this place you left me.
I guess I am waiting
Waiting for you to come back for me
Foolishly.

My heart sits at the bottom of the sea

We Lived For You

This foolish, silly, heart of a
Foolish and silly little girl
How reckless she plays with it
Allowing most anyone to have a look
To have a touch
A piece

Naivety serves her young and reckless nature
Barely but a few scars scathe
Her freshly, supple, pink, young
Flesh of junior to this
Rough and gritty; soily, earthy experience

Experimental young views
Hasty decisions with no fear of
Failure to see beyond
Warnings of lives lived
In preparation for you, young
Silly little girl

 

Missing

I have asked for love and yet I will
not allow anyone to love me.

I have begged for truth and yet
I am afraid to share mine

I practice peace and yet I
allow my lack of patience to take the lead

I have a greedy ego and I have 
given into him.
He is my master and I cannot
say no to him.

 

What Shall Be

The one thing this confused

mind is certain of is its own confusion.

This Confused Mind

I swim deep within my confusion,

never resting longer than an uncomfortable

dip in time, 

to relax, into the bowls of uncertainty and to drink

the nectar, milked from the teat, filtered by all

Worshipers of darkness, for all her hatred of the Sun.

Half Empty or Full

"Life with untreated A.D.D. and
broken heart, love art but my
burnt-out brain has a 
hard time to strain out my
creativity.

Life as me has always seemed to
be such negativity and self-blame an
ongoing flame burns through my
soul. As I walk, lost and alone in
the shadow of my former self.

Need to put my addiction high up
on a shelf so it's out of sight
out of mind, so I can't ever find
it ever again.

"No pain no gain" Me on most
days is more pain addiction can 
hold back any gain that you feel
close to. I thought dope was suppose
to forget and to temporarily let
you go from life's problems. Eighteen
years of blood, sweat and tears.

Much guilt on my conscience and
it weighs a ton. I just pray to
God to one day have a son and
be the dad that I'd only dream
I'd had."

Darcy Brakefield

taken from Megaphone, Vancouver's street paper

 

Sleep Becomes Her

To the dark we try
Slipping slowly
Through half ideas waiting
To fall away

Sleepy, dreamy eyes
Heavy with exhaustion
Want sleep, need rest

She soon approaches
Blinking out spotted yellows and golden oranges
Not yet, but soon

Waiting,
These faces and voices still busy so
Dreamy, sleepy beauty
Resting

The night has not come
Yet still sleep approaches

Allow the darkness
Empty me
For she is nearing

She makes me wait
I do as I am told
And I wait

Resting in the in between
Some middle ground of nonexistence
No one lives here but me
And yet she still makes me wait
I do

I wait
Her power overwhelms me
Hopeless either to the morrow or to her

Whichever comes first
Whichever breaks me free of this in between
this bleak existence
rest, quiet

Blackness voids no help
Shh
Maybe I do not need await her
Falling fast
Eyes shut tightly
Sleepy, falling more

To find morrow awakes those heavy eyes
She gets me yet again
With no notice she was ever here

Why hello Sun,
Hello New Day

Pink Lips

Had the words actually escaped
Those pink lips
They would have worn a warning
Deciphered: patience
With ease

Yet the ears had no chance
To hear above that chatter
Those non-trusting,
Non-stopping,
Ego-elated pink lips

So sure of themselves
Too sure to be certain
That in allowing the silence,
Breaking barriers of distortion,
Finding truth that tastes less bleak
Than false idolizations
And suped up alter egos

Had the words actually escaped
And the ears actually heard
Perhaps the head might have stood a chance
To allow the heart to do her thing

Yet those pink lips
With their taste for control
Talked their way
Right around the very words
That left your stunned jaw confused

When left confused, the path ahead seems slightly less certain.
Of course. 

  

My Blue

Breathe across the nape of my neck
with the saltiness of your breath
Fresh on your lips

Heat, so hot
It soothes my blushing skin

The colour, deep sea blue
Of your eyes
Cascading glimmers of gold
Freckle, pierce
I repress my blink

The warmth you give
Fills me deeper than my bones
Muscles smiling
Dare I to relax

The embrace of the gods;
Lapping around me
Licking my shoulders
Calmly seducing my most secret of fantasies

I float endlessly
A sky fresh with ideas above me
And a floor nowhere quite near below me
I am yours

Puppets, Puppeteering our very existence

We are all Users, Abusers,

Fable Tellers

Uncertain Words

If I was speaking,
Did you hear me?
Or perhaps you were looking 
The other way

I said it
I am sure I said it
No, your silence makes me question it.

If I scream
Will it be loud enough
For you to hear me 
over all of those thoughts?

Are you listening?
I am speaking

Are you listening?
I am sure I am speaking

Your eyes met mine
You see me looking
My lips moved more than once

Are you listening?
I am speaking

Perhaps louder this time
They are all speaking louder now.
I can't seem to hear you
Maybe it's my ears
That stopped working

Are you listening?
I am speaking

We've spoken once or more before
My ears worked perfectly then
You seemed to have heard me just fine
and I remember we conversed

I am starting to get a little worried
That perhaps I have lost my words
Or have I started using new ones?
I am almost certain I am speaking

Are you listening?
I am speaking

Maybe if you looked at me
Then I'd know
That my lips are working
And that I haven't lost my tongue

Are you listening?
I am speaking

Are You Listening?
I Am Speaking
Hell...

I Saw Her

She was wearing Yellow,

or perhaps it was Green.

A Dream Pang

"I had withdrawn in forest, and my song

Was swallowed up in leaves that blew away;

And to the forest edge you came one day

(This was my dream) and looked and pondered long,

But did not enter, though the wish was strong:

You shook your pensive head as who should say,

"I dare not - too far in his footsteps stray -

He must seek me would he undo the wrong."

Not far, but near, I stood and saw it all

Behind low boughs the trees let down outside;

And the sweet pang it cost me not to call

And tell you that I saw does still abide.

But 'tis not true that thus I dwelt aloof,

For the wood wakes, and you are here for proof."

Robert Frost

 

Spinning My Tires

I can't keep sitting in my fears.

 

She Whispered My Name: Fool

She held out her hand to me
to stop my approach
"I can see you fine from there"

Naivety no longer serves me
whereas before I might have fabricated good enough reasons to justify so as to not realize the selfish truth that lurked beneath it.

Her selfishness seen now as a sickly shade of green
Where did her beauty go?
Where did her strength and poise that I so admired go?
Have I always worn these glasses of deceit, just so I could pretend to be a part of something, if even just for a short while?

The blame for ignorance I place upon myself.
My greediness a perfect target,
to get all that she wanted.
Except all that she wanted was never [good] enough.

Thus, I shall never be good enough. 

I must never outshine her.
Never be better!
stronger!
more attractive!
knowledgeable!
"Stay beneath my thumb and I will give you all that you request..within my reasons."

So this lie she fed me, the one I so eagerly grabbed at, is actually nothing of what I wanted or needed. For all I wanted was to be apart of something.

Yet her something turns out to be nothing.
She didn't exist, because she was never truly authentic.
She was simply an idea, that poetically grew into a masquerade of deceptions.

No anger serves her
for she has no name to curse
Nameless, Faceless, Heartless.


To read these words
you may shed pity.
- what a waste of energy -

If anything; grow knowledge from this;
Call out your naivety.
Face your false convictions.
Be real with your true intentions.

For no one can fool you if you do not wish to be fooled in the first place.

 

A Warning

Do not listen to the closed-eye walkers.

Like Any Other

Perhaps today will pass like any other...

 

Between The Darkness

To feel alive
what is true life?
what is truth, but a word created to counter a lie.

Creation of duality
a positive
and a negative

yet we created good and bad
when in actuality neither is right or wrong
they are simply just different

So why must we feel bad
or guilty for being different?

when we created guilt to build a barrier
between the Light and the fear.

Possibly Possible

My Hand 
- but a placement of energy -

I am but a source of light

a source of love

a source of infinite possibility

WE ARE THE POSSIBLE

I Looked In The Mirror

I looked in the mirror

And I saw vanity staring back at me.

Love

Love;

Is all that I am equipped with and

All that I need to defend and protect.

  

Chick Flicks

Chick Flicks - a grown woman's version of playing dolls.
 

The Masks Of Darkness

Foolishness to obviousness
to be so blunt
to be about a boy

the one to write about the other
the thing we seem to do
Constantly searching for understanding
the knowledge of how and why.

Where do such answers lie
to the questions we keep finding ourselves asking?
When does understanding take place
and how do we proceed once we get there?

With this basic understanding of these principles
we make ourselves believe we are the Kings and Queens
We fool ourselves into believing we're happy
-that we are content

These masks we wear
are only to blend into a false view of what we should want
-what we need

The darkness loves his tricks
and we, The Gullible, fall right into his hands

The only serenity
is to question the insane.

To Wish

That once,
to wish it to be a thousand.
 

The Universal Law

"As above, so below."

Disbelief

I have experienced truth
yet I allow diversions to blind me

I have experienced faith
yet I allow skepticism to distract me

I have experienced loyalty
yet I allow neediness to seduce me

As such, I expand further my search of self

Where Have I Gone?

I keep falling into these black holes;
Sometimes, most times, they're thoughts that lead me down the rabbit hole.
Eventually I come back and realize I've been missing.
 
 

Who?

Am I the person I have been anticipating?

Holding Two Hands In One.

The anxiety.

So fearful of being vulnerable.

Traveling to uncharted territories,

 realistically it is not so.

Very quickly, we'd realize we recognize it all.

Perhaps the fear comes from trying to hold onto both as truths?

For they are vastly different

&

one cannot make sense when we use the other as comparison.

 

To Toast A Moon

To a setting moon
we bid adieu to then
and say hello to now

This chance is one to start anew
to allow the release of all things past;
no one can hold us where we do not wish to be.
We invite them out of narcissistic unworthiness.

They play the role we invite them to play
then turn around and blame them for their mistakes.
Too much pain to view our own
for projection is far easier than reflection.

The instant you decide otherwise
you allow your whole world to change.
you see the beauty for all it truly is;
you hear the sweetness of the earths sigh,
you feel the warmth of the suns kiss,
and you taste the wonder of this world we created.

To know that this doesn't feel so right
yet to understand your choice.
To accept this journey for all that you planned it to be,
and to enjoy the fruits of your hardest labor.
  

Less Than A Hundred

Stepped aside
a new face to present to the world,
a new name that cannot mask the old,
for the energy is the same

Deliberate refusal to participate,
escaping all that resembles a copy.
To prove to them that you are one,
to not realize that we are all one,
one of one that makes the source.

The very idea that we are alone,
that we are separate,
and that we are unable to be loved

Laugh, you must laugh at the concept.
A concept concocted from darkness
built up by fear
and tested by the ego.

For my eye is the same eye that you use
to read this very note

We are confused because
we are greater than these bodies we lie in
and we are greater than this plane we have settled on
and we are more than just a life lived less than a hundred.

If we gain any disease during this life,
it is solely the disease of believing in this lie.