He felt like Home, yet there was No Space for Me

A love letter of grief;

This makes me feel like I'm hard to love. That you hated me more than you loved me. That I'm a pest - annoying.
It makes it hard for me to understand where you love me. What do I do? So I can do it always.
I only ever wanted your loving acceptance and felt ashamed when I was any other way with you. It makes me want to be perfect, so as to not turn you against me. I didn't want you to shut me out or worse push me out, because then I would be alone. I was already scared and felt like I was alone anyways. It's one thing to feel alone while still in your presence and another thing to be literally alone with no understanding of when you'd come back for me. I fear you will forget me. Then I will truly be alone and lost forever... just like the Mother you once said you loved so much.

I'm scared to move back for fear that the space will only ever get bigger.

Mother of Everything

"She thought loving acceptance meant making a place with Herself for everything, whether She loved it or not and blamed Herself for not being more loving."

 

Big Enough For Many

Sitting quietly in this empty space that I've created
Loving, longing in all that it holds
Big enough for many
Yet captive of only one

This solitude stirs uneasiness
While reminded of my desperation for comfort; For home
To share but some
Not many find so appealing
So I sit here, ever so much more the quiet

Searching for fulfillment
I am one of the many
Yet disregard the sheep that coo at my toes
Shaking and stirring, so as to change the view of perception
My eyes, to your eyes, to theirs

Never quite satisfied
With the eyes of a vulture
And the talons of a hawk
Disarmingly arms length from touch
I don't blame the ones that see
Through veils of pretty things, clothed in scary things and tasted less than twice

And yet I sit here
In my empty space
That is big enough for many
Yet captive of only one

Here

I cannot be lost if everyone knows where I am