Disappearances

She fled on foot
Swallowed up by the darkness
Her wings would be too much of a give away
Perhaps you'll look back with regrets
But at the time, your fear was too large

The loss of what could be
Brought tears to her eyes
For she was willing to fight
And you were the one who let go
Who pushed her so hard away from you

Anger visited her
Grief and confusion came also
None of her visitors made her feel any better
For all she wanted was you and laughter
Those seemed like the furthest from her reach
And so she wished to feel nothing

So sure was she that she was the only one with sadness;
The nothingness that came from you
Left her feeling alone and lost in her wreckage

She cried out in frustration
For all those memories she carried
The ones where you were present and happy
The ones where you were addicted by her presence
Where you confessed your admiration and desires
Did those no longer exist?
Did they ever?
And again you were quiet

So quiet and silent that came forth from you
That she disbelieved any of the validity of it
As if none of it ever existed;
It would seem easier to forget you ever existed

So keep your word
And do not visit her
Leave her in her anger
Because sadness is too hard
She will numb you until she no longer feels anything towards you

You were her drug
But thankfully you have no more to give
You can just disappear now
As if you never were
Because she does not need you ever to be

A Refreshing Thought

Fate is like a strange,

unpopular restaurant with odd little

waiters who bring you things

you never asked for and don't always like!

 

--Lemony Snicket

 

 

We Named Our Relationship

The origin of our attachment
Was lost way long ago
Left behind to play alone
For it was told it did not need to remember

How can I stand here
And not remember from whence I came?
How can I be so foolish
To accept the truth that never grew from me?
How can I be so unlike myself
And forget that I existed long before you?

This slow and steady amalgamation
It overtook us using the mask of love
It overtook us to later tare us apart
It overtook us to prove we never were
What we thought we could be

These two separate useless forms
Now seem so silly without the playfulness of loving bliss
Broken and barren
Left to slowly disintergrate
Left to slowly vanish
Back to nothingness
Back to pain

For pain was us
Each separately
And then together

We came together to give pain a new name
We liked to call him happiness
We liked to dress him up and say he was pretty
We used him to hide ourselves
And he liked the attention
For now there was two of us
And no longer just one

Happiness was the center of our relationship
He made us giggle and squirm and play
When one turned sad,
He flashed a grin
That slid that grief away from us

We punished grief
And forced him to sit in the corner
For there was no room for him 
In our happiness
There was no room for him
In front of us

When anger emerged shortly after
We banished him to sit with grief
For we couldn't hold onto our happiness
With anger ruining all of our fun

The two brothers took no time at all
To whisper about us behind our backs
And to conspire to make us feel
What we had been pushing so hard against
Little did we understand why
The brothers made us feel so uncomfortable
Little did we understand
That our fear was slowly breaking us

We didn't notice that the brothers had left the corner
For we dared not ever look there
So we had no idea it was coming
And did nothing to protect our sacred happiness

It's funny now
How we thought we stood a chance
How we believed we had control

It didn't take much for grief and anger to override our joyous feeling
For we had allowed ourselves to forget
That our happiness was in actuality pain
And that by giving it a new name
By dressing it up
That it could never rewrite his origins
He would always be pain
And thus would eventually no longer play our game

We couldn't even put up much of a fight
It was over before it ever really began
And now we stand one by one
With our happiness renamed as pain
And our pain resting limp and heavy in our arms

 

Never Saw You Clearly

I never saw you clearly
With that haze always so masterfully around you
I never saw you quite so clearly
As if I misplaced glasses that I never wore
I never saw you clearly
Because you never told me you did not wish to be seen

Unseen Role of Denial

Some exerts from a book series I like --- Original Cause; The Unseen Role of Denial

I had consciousness before I had force

The truth never lies, but the truth also does not give what cannot be accepted

The guilt vanished when I accepted Myself for what I really am

Mother experiences, but without Father, she cannot understand what Her experiences mean. She has no way to know without Him and He has no way to know without Her 

I had discovered love by losing it

I had become attached to my own existence

 

Reviewing

To not want to fall to a worser fate
I review what has past
And notice that in my haste 
I let my fiery red flames 
Scorch the attempt of
A new idea

To Not Want To Fall

Out of fear of being tricked
This scared little heart fled
To what was more reliable
But not so much more comfortable

This Side of Things

It's lonely on this side of things

Protection is a cold, cold casing

And no one can love you more than

You love yourself

I'll Grow Away from You

With the passing of another full moons gaze
Pacing feet pound the same trodden path
We're returning to the place we never truly left
Although with each time, we're more and more hopeful

My praying eyes, keep clean from tears
From years of doubt over my own authenticity
Those hurtful disbeliefs
Turned me off from my true inner guide
Confusion rules this clever yet uncertain doe
Your disbelief was contageous

 

Singularity

The beauty of Singularity

is the same beauty of choice

a choice to choose differently

to be differently

to no longer be my pattern of hate

and instead begin a pattern of love

 

Dumped/Trumped

Hopeless, childish, heart of mine
Racing, bleeding, passing time

Flooding, drowning, tempered thoughts
Masking, blending, stomach knots

Wistful, playful, total make believe
Daring, cunning, undermining jestering

Passive, massive, manipulation
In-submissive, blatant, retaliation

Release, deprive, left on ones own
Allow, what's new, a chance to form